I'm Gonna Wipte the Floor With You, My Friend

Mitt Romney may just be the smartest and most qualified person running right now.  But I think I know why Mitt Romney will never be president.

The guy is a businessman - very good one.  He’s been a phenomenally successful CEO.  A turn-around guy.  He and his people go in, fix what’s not working, improve on what is, and turn deficits into dividends.  He did it with Staples, and the Olympics, and could probably do it in D.C.  

On top of that he seems to be as good a man as he is a businessman.  Until Mike Huckabee descended from Heaven, Mitt Romney was the only notable Republican candidate without an ex wife.  He is clearly devoted to his family, he takes his faith seriously, and he wants America and its citizens to succeed like he has.
 But with these admirable qualities come two big, and probably insurmountable problems.  First, Mitt Romney is a businessman and not a politician.  Second, he is good guy and not an asshole.  There are ways of acting and interacting that make someone successful in business that get you eaten alive in politics.  Managing companies, making deals, and doing business all demand a certain amount of honor and mutual respect among parties.  Sure, there are Gordon Gekko’s out there, but anyone I’ve ever met who does business has said that the arrogant pricks might be great at what they do and might make a lot of money doing it, but never get as far as they could.  Because they don’t act like the guys who have the most success, the ones who will be a shark when they have to but ultimately are characterized by their grace and goodwill.  If you take these same admirable qualities into politics you will get you eaten alive.

Romney’s problem is compounded by the fact that he is nice.  It's why his "attack" ads early on seemed unnatural on him and hurt him.  It's why he didn't savage John McCain on his conservative bona fides in any debate.  And it's why he would get destroyed by the Clintons in November (and yes, it will probably be the Clintons because Obama has similar problems as Romney in the demeanor arena).
On the other hand, Senator McCain is a politician.  And he is one because, like almost all politicians, he has a very high opinion of himself but sucks so bad at everything else he had no choice but to run for office.  His dad and grandpa were admirals.  He jerked off for four years and ended up fifth from the bottom in his class at the Naval Academy.  He crashed some planes and dated a stripper.  Then he honorably answered his call of duty and went to war.  John McCain did maybe the one truly honorable thing in his life when he didn’t cash in on his family name and influence to leave behind his fellow POW’s.  Then, after he was freed, he came home, married into a family with a Budweiser distribution empire, and did what the rich, lesser sons of wealthy great men do - he became a politician.

And as a politician, John McCain is typical of his breed.  He thinks he knows everything, that his position as Senator imbues him with powers and abilities far beyond mere mortals.  Like nearly all 535 people in that Capitol, he cannot be wrong.  And God help the peon who tells him he is.  That McCain has a reputation as a “maverick”, his obviously stubborn demeanor, and that he seems to get off by sticking his dick in his party’s ear are all qualities that would make for a short career in the Boardroom, but have allowed him to thrive on the Hill.

Politicians all hate each other.  They are backroom-negotiating, self-dealing, backstabbers who run our government in ways that would get their ass kicked (and probably sued) if they did it as a CEO.  But their contempt for each other disappears next to their contempt for non-politicians who dare to sit at the big kids’ table.  It is that honor among thieves that has turned Washington into a cesspool.  It is that comity that explains McCain Feingold and the presumptive nominee’s dogged defense of it.  It is that fear of being exposed as talentless frauds that causes them to savage outsiders.  And that's why Romney can't win.